June  2008 - planetautumn.com 

June 30, 2008...11:30pm
What I had for lunch. Part 1.
As promised....what we did on our summer vacation.

The Daily Update:

1. Woke to the sound of the phone:

Hot Sears Repairman Guy: "I'm 15 minutes away."

Me: "?"

Oh yeah....fridge guy is coming to fix my hot smoking new refrigerator for the 3rd time. I greeted him in my cute pajamas. He seemed pleased, albeit a tad amused.

Me: "Sorry the house smells like dog crap.

Hot Sears Repairman Guy: "That's ok."

It did smell like dog crap because the dog, Seth, had crapped in the basement. Then the fridge guy opened up my fridge. Inside the fridge was a container of leaches. We've been fishing recently.

Me: "Welcome to my house. Would you like a sandwich?"

2. Breakfast:

I placed two waffles in the toaster for Bella and Jon, and placed a third on the countertop for myself. 

Seth ate it.

Went down the street to Caribou and bought myself a skinny latte and a blueberry muffin. 

Seth ate it.

I washed the dog blood from my hands, face, feet, and throat and then I mowed the lawn. 

3. Lunch:

Took my eldest son, Billy, to the waiting room from hell doctor for his well-young-adult visit with his little brother and sister in tow. 

It was the best when Jonny (he's 4) banged the chair against the wall over and over and over and over.

Billy's wrist doesn't have cancer, so I bought all of them lunch at McDonalds AND Burger King.

Then daddy took the babies fishing where they caught little, or nothing, and daddy came home crabby and hungry. This is when I shot myself in the head and lived to tell the story.

4. Snack:

Backyard pool time with cheesecorn, beer, and Koolaid.

Chair in Pool.

5. Supper:

Domino's Pizza, applesauce and vodka.

It was delicious.

6. Second Snack:

We roasted marshmallows and wieners on the campfire out back.  Jonny learned how to blow out flaming marshmallows. It was very Denis the Menacey.

We put them to bed in their cool bedroom after a fart story by daddy, and now they are in the living room and not sleeping.

Tomorrow we go to The Minnesota Zoo to see sharks and grizzly bears. And wolverines.

I love vacation. It's exhausting. Shit. I forgot to tell Lisa about the zoo....

June 29, 2008...11:45pm
All about fishing.
It was this big.

Really?

Has a different story to tell.

Hey. I'm on vacation until July 7th. Meaning...I don't have to set my alarm clock.

Rock on.

Beginning tomorrow, I'm keeping a daily journal of everything we did on our vacation. As in, what I had for lunch.

Look forward to that, why don't ya.

Sweet!

It's almost midnight and I'm gonna run to Walgreens for cigarettes and hair dye. 

June 26, 2008...10:45pm
An email I just sent to my brother Rick, family, and close friends.
Mood? Destroyed.

Rick,

I'm copying people on this because I want them to know how cool you are. And how tragic tonight has been for me.

Remember that little doll you brought home for me from Germany, when you were a teenager and I was little?

Remember how I recently told you that I still have that doll, and how I've brought it with me wherever I have lived and have kept it in the drawer of my bedside table forever?

When you got me that doll, I felt so special.

Obviously.

Recently, I brought the doll out (it's been missing it's arms since I was a kid, hehe) and put it on the mantel above the fireplace in the living room so that I could admire it and enjoy it. It's been propped up next to a minotaur figurine. They're best friends.

Isabella has also admired it, and she's enjoyed it because every now and then I'll take it down and allow her to play with it.

Tonight I did that.

When she was finished playing, I put the doll on the porch table and went downstairs to fetch the laundry. When I came back up....the doll was gone.

My heart sunk. I didn't even ask Bella if she had the doll because I knew....

I looked into the yard and saw a little patch of white, pink and blue.

Seth had gotten the doll and he destroyed it. (I've attached a picture.)

I began to cry. I freaking CRIED.

I tried texting Justin at work, but my cell phone died.

I was going to call Dad, but it was 9:30pm.

I'm sincerely devastated, but being as weird as I am....I'm not throwing it away. I'm going to find a cute little jar or dish and put the Broken German Doll in there and put it on my mantel and keep it forever.

And then I'm going to kill the dog.

*sigh*

Nice way to start my vacation.

Thank you, Rick. I've loved that dolly FOREVER! She's still cute. Can't find her little eyeballs, though. That's bothering me. I need her little eyeballs.

Love, Jen

She had underpants. 

June 24, 2008...10:30pm
And then this happened.
Bella. Holy shit.

Bella. As is.

The Humongous and Annoyingly
Abundant Picture Sunday!!!!
And a new YouTube vid. Courtesy of the big, fat liar and your host, Jennifer.
Enjoy. Or Not. - Planet Autumn Management.

June 22, 2008...11:00pm
It's not a party until the cops show up.
We hosted my son Billy's 16th birthday party yesterday.

There were 6 teenage garbage disposals boys. 

And one girl... 

Billy using his girlfriend as a human shield during the water balloon/hose/water pistol battle. 
It was epic. And messy. I'll be picking up those shredded neon balloons for the remainder of the summer.

And yes...she ran around in her bikini, squealing and giggling and nobody complained.

Beforehand, they set up two televisions in the man-cave and had a 5-player Halo session. It was all very techie. I don't have a photograph of that because I don't have a night-vision lens for my camera. I'm just glad they eventually came up for light. 

Damn...too slow. If you look to the very most right side of this picture, 
you can see the tail-end of the pink water balloon. I almost had the most perfect action shot.

Timmy and Justin playing pussy behind the fence.
(Took Justin to the emergency room today. Blue Cross Blue Shield is gonna be paying for an
MRI even though he has an inner ear infection with vertigo, and not a brain tumor.)

Billy explaining the finer points of dousing. 
Don't you wish you had abs like them? Teenagers SUCK!
(don't look at their stomachs. that's wrong of you to do that. freaks.)

Filling up the arsenal. Watch out, Billy. He may be honing in on your girl. 

Secret Agent Men.
(run, Jonny! RUN!) 

Get Timmy. 

And then we ate. Justin makes the best homemade barbeque sauce. EVER. No pics. It's secrect.

Is there something wrong with the cake? 

Happy Birthday singing with a plus 16 modifier.

And then this happened...

 
Smores and Wieners.

And what it looked like without the flash:

We identified everybody by the colors of their glow-ring necklaces.

 And then the cops showed up. It went something like this:

It was a tad before 11:00pm, the boys were in the kitchen setting up for a Game of Dungeons and Dragons. Isabella and Jonathan were asleep on the sofa, stomachs filled with boiling and expanding marshmallows which...by the way...reappeared in an evil manner earlier today.

Jenny was sitting on the porch when she spies dancing lights coming up the driveway, "Crap. It's the po-po."

Jenny stands and greats a man in uniform (yummy) standing on the porch stairs. Actually, he was kinda doofy looking. Way too much hair gel.

"We got a call that music was too loud?" the police officer asked.

He asked because HELLO the music was not that loud.

Jenny introduced herself, stated that she was the homeowner and said, "Thank you for dropping by, baby."

The police officer smiled and departed. Actually, I said "baby" in my head.

Jenny wished she had her camera as she sat back down and chuckled, "It isn't a party until the cops show up. Schweet!"

One thing I love about my life is that when the cops show up, I don't have to run, or hide my stash. I'd blow out my flipflops if I ran, and I have no stash to hide.

I'm sans stash.

And a note to the neighbors: Pick up the phucking phone and give me a jingle, "Hey Jen...turn it down please."

Mkay. Not a problem. 

But now, all the little old ladies on the block are having to wipe their night cream off of their windows because "Oh my gosh...the police are at Jennifer's house again." 

AND THEN....

Dungeons and Dragons until 5:00am.
(photo by Billy) 

Orange die. 

What's missing from this table? Booze.

I'm not cool like that. 

Earlier that night, I had to run to Super Target to get more food and soda pop. When I got home, I brought it all down into the man-cave where they were playing Guitar Hero and Halo and I said, "I got the beer!" and they all shouted, "YEEAAAHHH!"

I was lying about the beer, of course. They did enjoy the packages of sour gummy worms, though.

They're good kids, but holy shit do they eat. I was happy to get up today and make them a big breakfast which was gone in a matter of moments. Oinkers.

Justin did a supreme job at cooking and then running that DnD game. He's such a cool dad. *big hug and kiss* So glad you don't have a brain tumor or an aneurysm, baby. So many people would miss you. *kiss kiss kiss*

AND - there's a new video on YouTube. I'm a despicable woman, and a liar, which will be apparent if you listen closely.
(I'm only keeping it up for a little bit.)

And Derek didn't want to play DnD because he's "not interested in Yu-gi-oh." He's a nice kid. After breakfast this morning, he asked me if I had any black fingernail polish. I told him I was fresh out of black fingernail polish.

June 18, 2008...12:00am
Billy.
When I got pregnant with my eldest child, Billy, I was single and living in my parent's house. That was 16.9 years ago.

My Mother and Father supported us until I was able to move back out on my own when Billy was 3-years-old.

(insert the importance of love and dedication right here...it helps society, hearts, souls, and the economy)

My folks continued to play an enormous role in Billy's childhood. My Dad was father to Billy until I married Justin when Billy was 9-years-old. Justin took the reigns and my Dad, with a heavy heart, allowed him to do so. My Dad still plays a significant role in my son's life.

My Dad and Billy miss 'the old days' and the 'remember whens'. I know they do.

Bumpy roads on this journey? Yes, but it's gone very well. 

My Mother and Father, along with Justin, helped to make Billy feel as if he had others. Others who would care for him if I were to get run over by a truck and die.

Thank you, Dad. Thank you, Mom (*waves to heaven*) 

And thank you, Justin. It means a lot to Billy that he has two men in his life who love him deeply. Trust me on this. Billy is very, very lucky. And he knows this deep in his heart. 

Thank you.

Billy is going far in this world. Farther than he can imagine. 

Happy 16th Birthday, Billy!!!!

Billy. 
Photo by Billy. 

(Justin...do NOT tell Billy I shared this pic on the interweb...but it's so CUTE, and a little like me, so I could not possibly resist!)

Goodbye Auburn.
Photo by Jennifer.

We dyed Billy's naturally auburn hair to a black shade of black on Sunday. If Grandma was still alive....she'd kick my ass.

(and yes...that girl is still around. she can't keep away from my baby.) 

OH MY GOD! THAT'S MY BABY!!!

I love him so much. I'm having 9 teenagers at my house on June 21 for a big party.

Call 911.

June 15, 2008...12:00am
On Father's Day, my baby daddy is taking an entire meatloaf to work for his lunch.
Happy Father's Day, baby. I promise not to yell at you. 

M.E.A.T.L.O.A.F.

June 14, 2008...1:00am
Alphabetical Seating.
I went to the same Catholic school in Minneapolis from the 1st to the 8th grade. 

At the time, my last name began with The Letter M.

(For the Following Story, names were altered to protect Jennifer from frivolous defamation of character lawsuits.)

For 8 years in class, I sat between Eugene Lumperston and Debbie Menkoski because nuns like to have you alphabetical.

Jesus likes that, and nuns are married to Jesus.

Eugene was odd. He was the only black boy to attend our Catholic school, so everybody was nice to him.

Sometimes his father would pull up in a fancy car to bring Kentucky Fried Chicken for Eugene to eat for lunch.

He was rich, and a novelty, like a Jefferson.

This was the 1970s in Minneapolis, so if the rest of us wore plastic bread bags over our socks before stepping into our snow boots so that our feet didn't get wet, other people were rich if they got take-out for lunch and their father drove a car that couldn't parallel-park because it was too long.  

Unfortunately for his father, Eugene was also gayer than a May pole.

Eugene followed me to a Catholic high school, and I had to sit next to him in Biology class. Eugene was my lab partner and he jumped and squealed as I dissected the frog. 

Perhaps I made him gay. Perhaps punching his mouth in Biology class, until it came out of his asshole, made him gay.

Eugene dressed like Michael Jackson throughout high school - the glove and everything. 

Sometimes, when I'm drunk, I Google his name to see if something pops up. 

Debbie Menkoski? She went to another high school after 1st-8th grade, and my nostrils are thankful. Debbie went to an all-girls Catholic high school. 

I wonder why.

This girl was stinky, and each day I didn't know what I was gonna get.

Would Debbie smell like urine, or would she smell like poop?

Sometimes she smelled like both, and those were the special days when I wished my father had been a policeman so I could go home and kill myself his gun.

Did Debbie not know how to wipe herself properly? Her Catholic schoolgirl skirt looked ok, so she wasn't unkempt. Except, of course, for the greasy and dandruff-riddle hairdo. Make a bow out of one of those puffy '70s cotton ponytail thingies and stick that in there. That'll help. 

I'm reluctantly revisiting this particular horror of my youth because I need affirmation. 

I need to believe that molding my children, gently, so they will not become Eugene and Debbie, is in the best interests of my children. I want my children to be the kids sitting in between, and not the kids on either side lending torture to the innocent.

Being a pompous and shrill pansy is bad. 

Wiping your ass is good. 

*two thumbs up*

June 09, 2008...10:30pm
Why I only leave my house to forage for food and Flarp (the noise putty).
I don't need the theater. I've got it all. right. here. 

I want for nothing more.

"Again?"  Take 2. (YouTube Vid)

Available at Michael's Arts, Crafts, AND MORE!  $1.00 per canister. Enjoy. We did.

June 02, 2008...10:30pm
What I had for lunch today.
I realize that I have been posting a lot about my daughter, Bella, of late. I also realize that this can get boring, but HELLO?!

How can this possibly be boring? 

"Because Mommy is drunk and that's been looking at me for last 20 minutes so I need to take a picture of it," is what I wanted to say, but clearly could not, so this opened up a short monologue about private parts, toy-making in China, and art.

I said, "Don't let anybody take pictures of your private parts. If anybody does, or tries to, tell mom and dad. Mommy is just testing her camera. This could be art. Plus, Baby Born is a toy made in China and her private parts were manufactured by a couple of giggling 9-year-olds. They are not real, but it's good of you to be concerned, baby. Mommy was wrong to take the picture. Now, go find her underpants and put them on her. Please."

Isabella had that look on her face for about an hour, and Baby Born still does not have any underpants.

June 01 ^1/2, 2008...1:30am
Hello June. Are you June?
Yes....yes you are. Finally.

Welcome!

June 01, 2008...12:00am
Hello June.
June thunderstorms bring April flowers. 

Bite me.

My geraniums are so enormous this year. 

They are so big, in fact, that I can't decide if I wish they were penises, boobs, cheesecake, or green onions. 

I love all of them so much. I need them to be many and large.

My mother-in-law hates geraniums. 

*giggles*

I'm going to bed now.

archives:
May 2008
April 2008
June 2008

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